You Don't Have to Be Enough for Everyone

The other day a friend of mine, Chris, shared a scenario with me: trying to fit in with different groups of people, trying to please all of them, and still feeling that he was falling short and was never enough. He asked me what I thought.

I thought my response could be valuable for other people too, because what Chris described is not unique to him. So here is how we could tackle this issue biblically, starting from the foundation of identity and how we as Christians understand it.

An old struggle, a different framework

There are a lot of possible scenarios in the Bible where people have placed themselves in that kind of situation. Although not all cases are identical, there is a common factor in all of them: the desire to please people, and the realization that they cannot fulfill that desire. So, this struggle is not new. It has also happened to people who followed God.

Now the question is: how do we tackle these kinds of situations? Well, within a Christian perspective, we look at it a little differently. This is not because we do not experience that desire or go through these situations and feelings, but because we look at them within a different framework: that of identity, and what our real identity is.

What our identity is and why it matters

This is the main point that we need to think about. Our identity matters and if we try to please too many people and/or to fit in different groups, then there is risk to lose the essence of our identity and who we are. Before delving into the intricacies of what losing our identity is, let's see what identity is.

According to the Baker Encyclopedia of Psychology & Counseling, identity is the following:

"In the most general terms identity refers to one's answer to the question, Who am I? Erik Erikson, the most well-known thinker in this area, proposed that identity involves a sense of personal uniqueness and self-continuity and an identification with group ideals" [1]

The definition above shows that identity answers two questions, "who are we?" and "what do we identify with?". Understanding this definition is crucial and one cannot compartmentalize that in one box. That is, identity is not uniquely perceived as who we are, but is also closely related to where and whom do we belong to. Since both outcomes of the same essence are closely related, it is essential to self-evaluate what are the core principles that make us who we are, and who and where do we belong to.

With this in mind, how does this definition and understanding of identity play in the above proposed scenario?

The proposed scenario and why it fails

The above proposed case scenario I believe is a clear example of a conflicting sense of identities related to who one really is, and where does one belong to. It is especially conflicting because that identity is tied to different groups to which this specific person tries to blend in.

The outcome is clear: one cannot be and not be at the same time. Likewise, one cannot belong to a group and not belong to it at the same time. This is not to say that one cannot belong to two different groups; one certainly can. However, one cannot do so when those groups have interests that go against one's sense of identity. In that case, the sense of self-continuity and uniqueness is lost, and therefore this approach is set to fail.

That is where, if we try to fit into so many different groups that challenge our sense of identity, we feel like we fail. We then try to blend in, but our sense of self-continuity is lost. We feel bad, we feel condemned, and we worry about what others think of us. So we try to fix our mistakes and become people we are not. Sometimes it works, sometimes only temporarily, sometimes it may even seem to work for a long time, and other times it never works at all. Once this vicious circle starts, it is very difficult to stop, if it is possible at all.

The Christ's identity

This is where our identity in Christ becomes paramount. Now, you might wonder, why is that? In a fallen world, where people build their sense of identity both individually and through the groups they belong to, there is an inherent risk of (1) creating a sense of identity that is harmful to us and to those around us, and (2) becoming part of a group identity that is harmful to ourselves and, by extension, to others. One only needs to check the news on TV, newspapers, social media etc. and see how this is not only a risk but a reality.

In the Christian worldview though the identity issue takes a different shift that makes one's alignment to a specific identity not only a priority but also helps delineate what an identity that aligns with an objective set of values (one might say moral values) that is beyond the human realm and therefore our reach truly is and look like.

Our Identity with Christ and its ramifications

Aligning our identity, both personal and collective, with Christ not only means that we are now under the care of the Creator of the universe, but also under the One who, being God, did not consider equality with God something to hold on to, but came into the world and died for our sins (Philippians 2:6–8; 1 Corinthians 15:3). It also means that our lifestyle and our identity are now aligned with a higher power. Our moral standards, thoughts, and actions are no longer held hostage by the standards of a fallen world, but are shaped by the One who created us.

"who, though he was in the form of God, did not regard equality with God as something to be exploited, but emptied himself, taking the form of a slave, being born in human likeness. And being found in human form, he humbled himself and became obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross" Php 2:6–8.

The ramifications are so profound that they touch the root cause of the scenario described. In a world where we try to please as many people as possible and fit in wherever we can, whether our identity is "good" or "bad" is no longer measured by the world's standards, but by God's.

In other words, if our identity in Christ means we don't fit into certain groups, this does not change our self-worth, our sense of self, or our belonging to God's people at its core. Our worth does not rest on pleasing others, or even on our own efforts, but on what Christ has already done for us.

Paul and the Galatian's challenge to their identity in Christ

This scenario reminds me of one that Paul faced with the Galatians. It is interesting because these believers shared the same identity in Christ as Paul. However, even among Christians, one can drift away from that identity. Even within the Christian world, people will fail us, but God will not.

In the Galatians' case, Paul was astonished and deeply concerned that they were leaving the core message of the gospel, as some teachers tried to add requirements, such as circumcision that the gospel did not require. Paul reminded them of their true identity as sons and heirs of God (Galatians 4:7), and after telling them the truth, he even asked, "Have I now become your enemy by telling you the truth?" (Galatians 4:16).

Have I now become your enemy by telling you the truth? Ga 4:16.

Paul's reality check to the Galatians is a testament to how paramount our identity in Christ is, and how other identities, even religious ones, will always lurk and try to make their way into each one of us. For this reason, we know that Paul's judgment of their actions and change of identity is just and righteous. He calls out the problem, and no one can fault him, because he is not aligning himself with his own standard, but with a higher one that comes from above (Galatians 1:8–10).

Conclusion

The scenario Chris described is one we all live at some point in our lives. In a world with different people, different values, and even different cultures, we certainly cannot please everyone. We cannot blend into groups that do not share the values that make up our identity. We can try, but we will always find ourselves falling short. The reason is simple: we cannot please everyone without compromising our identity. And the outcome is clear: we will always feel that we have fallen short and are not good enough.

However, if our identity is aligned with a higher one, although we will still not agree with everyone, we can be sure that the world's verdict no longer defines us, especially in a world that increasingly embraces moral relativism (the idea that morality is relative).

Once our identity is in Christ, the One who is above everyone else, the King of kings and Lord of lords (Revelation 19:16), the One before whom every knee will bow (Philippians 2:10), the One who died for our sins, rose again, and defeated death (1 Corinthians 15:3–4), we are no longer bound by the judgment of others. Like Paul, we can say that it matters very little if we are judged by others, because the One who judges us is the Lord (1 Corinthians 4:3–4). And His verdict for those who are in Christ is clear: there is now no condemnation (Romans 8:1).

So, you don't have to be enough for everyone. In Christ, you are already accepted. You are already loved.

[1] E. A. Gassin, "Identity," in Baker Encyclopedia of Psychology & Counseling, ed. David G. Benner and Peter C. Hill, Baker Reference Library (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 1999), 604.